List of Things Spessmen Are No Longer Allowed To Do

Taken from the list that occurred on Discord, do feel free to keep adding if you wish.

• I added a little story to some of them

Nanotrasen finally being fed up with having to deal with the crew's general chaos and outright violations of reality on a daily basis has decided to make a list dedicated to listing all the stuff the crew isn't allowed to do anymore, of course the crew being the crew that list rapidly grew into a small book.

1. Shoot someone in the back of the head for "speaking different."

2. Feeding Assistant to the Stormdrive "Cause it hungers!"

• The Medical Department was on the hunt once again due to the large amount of corpses they had to clone.

3. Make a heater TEG.

4. Make a freezer TEG.

5. Make a whateve- No seriously HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?

• No one knew who did it to make this rule appear on the list but the entire engineering department was acting smug for the rest of the week.

5.1 Make any TEG that requires breaking the laws of thermodynamics.

6. Pay the clown to steal Taigo's shoes, hat, cigarettes, lighter jacket.

• The clown's criminal record was in the double digits before this rule appeared in the book, suspiciously his credit card had hit the triple digits.

7. Replacing the Janitor's water tanks with Lube is right out.

8. Throw drinks at Taigo.

9. No matter how many times you ask, we will not give the HoS a discount on 'Taigo' Tacos.

15. The Quartermaster can NOT order cargo techs to 'Get their tongues replaced or be sold for organs.' Just. No.

16. Burn the pages Labeled 10 to 14 cause they "Were offensive to Nar Nar!!"

17. Being a lizard is NOT and has NEVER been classified as a "medical issue."

18. Change the temperature from normal to hull melting cause it was "Too cold in here."

19. Challenge Brick to "a friendly game of thermonuclear warfare."

• Someone did this once, that ship never stopped screaming.

20. Shield generators have never existed on Nanotrasen ships, anyone who reports knowing otherwise are to report to Central Command for administration of Class-A Amnestics.

21. No despite how much you may wish it was, Amnestic is not "space cocaine."

• Chemistry was screaming bloody murder before this page was added to the book.

22. H O N K

• No one knew how it happened but somehow the clown figured out how to fill out paperwork.

23. Do not intentionally make the stormdrive hungry and then feed someone you dislike to it.

• The Medical Department didn't go on the hunt this time however they went to war with engineering cause of the corpses and used their blood as synthflesh.

24. Don't put cat thing mutation toxin in the pool water.

• Five people drowned, two people committed suicide and Violet was acting smug for the rest of the shift.

25. Make a bet on the clown. For god sake people we still haven't found where the clown sold those organs!

• Two people lost their liver, one person lost an arm and another lost their [DATA EXPUNGED]

26. Despite how cool it would be, do NOT put rollerblades on a gygax and use a fire extinguishers as propulsion. We don't need mech-shaped holes everywhere.

• One robotics tried it, Centcom still hasn't figured out how to fix reality on that ship.

27. [DATA CORRUPTED]

28. Using cryokinesis to freeze an entire room for 'Ice Skating'. Yes it was pretty cool that one time but good grief, the damage.

• Surprisingly this time the Janitor was on the hunt due to the large amount of beatings they received.

29. Do not insert plasma into a power cell, and then lick the tips. in fact, don't put plasma into a power cell full stop!

• An assistant once did this. Engineering and medical teamed up to hunt them down.
• 29.2 Actually, just don't lick power cells. Don't even put them ANYWHERE near your mouth.

30. Allowing the MAA to build a MAC capable of firing nukes/clowns/captains WAS cool, but it also kills our budget.

• Surprisingly Centcom purchased the blueprints.

31. For the love of all that is holy, do not recreate Total Wipeout but with supermatter shards.

• That ship is still contaminated and the labcoats estimate it's going to take a few hundred years until that ship is useable again.
• 31.2 We may be willing to overlook it if you do it with assistants.
• 31.3 or crabs.

32. Supermatter shard tipped torpedos are effective, that we can agree on, Effective at DETONATING IN THE TUBE!

33. The RD is not allowed ANYWHERE NEAR the permabrig. Not again.

• No one knew what happened to cause this to appear in the rule book but everybody avoided the RD for a week.

34. Gauss guns are crew usable anti-ship weapons, not mining equipment.

• Ten cases of theft later this rule appeared in the book and everybody kept an extra eye on the miner's kleptomania
• 34.2: Nor are Gauss guns meant to play "real life Asteroids."
• 34.3: The munitions crew is in their full right to use you as their next torpedo warhead if you prove too dense to understand rule 34 and 34.2.

35. If your caught singing "Highway into the Danger Zone", attempting to recreate ANY stunts from Top Gun, or speaking like Kenny Loggins in a fighter, you will be IMMEDIATELY barred from piloting indefinitely.

• The fighter pilots were on the war path. Ten hull breaches later and five destroyed syndicate ships, this rule appeared in the book.

36. Attempting to sell any security personnel as Railgun ammo because "the density is good enough" is not a valid excuse for attempted slavery and murder.

37. Do not attack the miners because "I'll show those little shits who a NERD IS!" For god sake people we had to clone him ten times before security threw him in the brig, and mining still hasn't given up the body parts they claimed as 'trophies'.

38. Do not try and ricochet PKA shots off of the DMC Rocinante. It is not going to work.

• The fighter boys we're at it again. Five destroyed fighters later and some pissed off miners having PTSD flashbacks, this rule appeared in the book.

39. There is no such thing as bananium enhanced nukes, just cause you managed to make one once does not mean we need to strip mine the clown planet!

40. Any jokes about "warcrimining some unathi villages" using our "fatass" nuclear torps can and will be fined.

41. If your mech is named "Brigador", security are given full right to destroy it on sight.

• 41.1 You will NOT get 50 dollars for standing on crew members in said mech either.
• 41.2 The SNC does not exist either.

42. Don't taunt the clown and the mime at the same time, just because they are enemies doesn't make them unable to work together to make you pay for taunting them.

43. Building mechs for the sole purpose of "playing battletech" strictly prohibited.

44. "XO said I could go to the bathroom" Is not a valid excuse as to not be at your squads designated position during General Quarters.

45. Ian is NOT a towel.

46. Neither is Runtime. Or Renault. And ESPECIALLY not Lamarr.

47. The Hephaestus does not exist. If you claim it exists, please remain still and await removal by ERT and forceful administration of Class-Omega Amnestics.

• 47.1 We are not making that mistake again.

48. Terminating the AI because "it didn't open a door for me", "it used THAT screen" or "it seemed weird" is NOT okay.

49. Black holes are not 'Space Rollercoasters' and attempts to drift ships around them will be met with Event Horizon.

50. Don't throw Bricks at Brick. Yes I know that AI is weird but throwing bricks only seem to make him stronger.

• No one is sure how it happened but brick managed to make a brick torpedo using the bricks thrown at him.
• 50.1 Actually, just don't have any bricks on any military vessels, stat.

51. Do not throw toast or toasters at T.O.A.S.T.E.R. either. She will hate you.

52. Attempts to refer to this list as "The Anti Fun laws" is just rude.

• 52.1 We wouldn't need this list if you all didn't keep making it longer.

53. No, shouting "ramming speed" and then ramming a boarding frigate is not a good idea.

54. One handing a shotgun, even IF sawn-off, is not proper security procedure. It will also probably break your wrists.

55. Don't call any of the silicon crew including IPCs "overgrown toaster ovens."

• 55.1 Except T.O.A.S.T.E.R. Actually no, especially don't call them one.

56. Deepfrying the Nuclear Authentication Disk is considered grand sabotage.

57. No We don't know how the disk keeps teleporting.

58. Please don't turn people into felinids with mutation toxins.

• 58. a) Please don't turn people into members of other species with mutation toxins at all.

59. Beer battering any essential equipment will result in immediate termination, no matter how tasty beer batter is.

60. Do not call felinids "Cat Freaks" just because they are cat bionoids does not mean they don't have retractable claws.

66. Entries 61-65 have been removed due to "Violating Brass Transcript".

67. Shut up about the claws already.

68. Dogpeople do not exist either.

69. Catching someone commit any kind of sexual acts in the dormitory is not grounds for instantly killing them, you should call security and they will transfer the criminals to centcom for pending court martial.

70. Do not remove an Unathi's tail to make lizard wine. Lizard tails are expensive to replace for that reason alone.

• 70.1 Do not kill the janitors lizard as a replacement. For god sake people we don't need more insane rampaging janitors onboard!
• 70.2 Don't clone a lizard to get a tail, synthflesh is expensive.

71. If it isn't on record, it never happened.

72 No there has never been a NSV speed dating nor will there ever be.

• 72.1 Anyone who claims to have memories of such a thing is to report to Centcom for Class-A Amnestics.

73. do not break laws of reality, and preferably do not do stuff that makes no sense at all.

• 73.1 unless it helps the mission.
• Fighter pilots were at it again with breaking reality.

74. Anyone who claims to have 'common sense' is to report to genetics for testing.

• 74.1 If testing turns out to be true, then said individual is to be instantly promoted to bridge monkey.

75. Yes, CentCom officials can and will shoot you for boarding the command ferry.

76. Do not infringe on Cargo's right to keep and bear arms.

• 76.1 unless cargo holds convicted criminals or suspected as traitors.

77. Space Weed is not illegal. However it is illegal to possess space weed on a military vessel and anyone found with such contraband is to have said contraband confiscated and be fined.

• 77.1 Security is not allowed to smoke confiscated space weed.

78. The clown is not a valid test subject for weapons testing.

• 78.A Yes, this includes shooting at the clown.

79 The clown is not allowed to be on the bridge.

• 79.1 The clown is not allowed to secretly pilot the ship from the battle bridge.

80. The chef is not allowed to break into chemistry because "I'M SEARCHING FOR THE SECRET SAUCE FUCK OFF!!"

• 80.1 Chemists are not to provide the chef with cyanide as a replacement for the supposed "secret sauce".

81. Secret Sauce does not exist.

82. OH FUCK THE CHEF IS IN HERE somewhat muffled by distance "WHERE IS THE FUCKING SECRET SAUCE RECEPIE YOU ARDATA FUCKERS!"

83. The chef is not allowed to murder any of his pupils due to "THE LAMB SAUCE IS FUCKING RAW!"

Notice: This list has been discontinued by Ardata.

• Reason: A group of four people in clown masks broke into the Ardata Servers to find the 'Secret Sauce'.
• Addon: One was heard shouting "I NEED A MEDIC BAG!" and another about "DRILLS!"

Notice: This list has been recontinued by Ardata.

84. The Deathsquad operatives are not allowed to open fire in the Ardata HQ because "THERE'S THE LITTLE FUCKER SHOOT THE CHEF!!"

8%# The Scientists are not allowed to reverse download classified documents.

85. Head Interns are no longer allowed to fire the Bluespace Artillery on High yield at the ARDATA server farms, even if the server farm is backed up and clustered.

86. Ardata is wholly unrelated to a 21st century piece of media called Friendsim.

88. Cargo may not solicit atmospherics for assistance in building a Bitcoin mining farm.

• 88.1. Neither is the AI, not after last time.

89. The scientist are not allowed to use the AI to download Video Games.

97: The clown is not railgun ammo.

• 97b: Nor are they a torpedo.
• 97c: Or flak/PDC ammo.
• 97d: And certainly not Gauss ammo.

98: The clown should never be alone near munitions staff.